Hi, my name is Yanky. I'm a 35-year-old yungerman. I'm a sex addict. I am the oldest of nine and grew up in a very frum sheltered home with no access to internet, TV, movies, etc. We even stopped getting Jewish newspapers at one point. I had a difficult childhood but was a star student throughout elementary school; I was at the top of my class. I discovered masturbation at the age of 14 (maybe a bit late by today's standards) and was immediately hooked. It was more than a pleasurable sensation; it was my escape, my safe place, my place where I felt accepted. It came along with sexual fantasy and an intense curiosity about this thing called sex. I felt extreme shame and guilt. Here I was, this frum bochur in a top yeshiva, supposedly learning well, but also thinking all these "horrible" things, leaving class multiple times a day to masturbate, masturbating every night to fall asleep, listening to "dirty" radio shows, looking through magazines, catalogs, dictionaries, phone books, and seforim to get my high. I became obsessed with erotic adventure, whether it was chat lines, sexual references in different seforim, the way someone in the street, shul, or anywhere looked, spoke, sounded, or acted. Basically, I became one-track minded, so there went my learning, whatever slim confidence I had, my self-esteem, and anything else that was left to me. I fell into a deep depression.
At age 18, I was introduced to the world of pornography-images, videos, written stories-by a roommate in the dorm of my third yeshiva. By now, gone were any vestiges of a top bochur. Sure, I was still smart and learned and all that, but I had become a certified "case." I had a mentor, a therapist, and a psychiatrist. I had hired chavrusos learning with me, and in my mind, I was still a top bochur. I was gonna stop with "these stuff." I was done. I davened, I cried every helige zman, I davened to be saved from the yetzer hara. I even opened up to some rebbeim, a mashpia, my mentor, and therapist. This went on for years, similar patterns with a few more stories of getting in trouble for my sexual acting out over the years.
Finally, it came time to get married, and I just knew that all my problems would be solved. I believed that on my yom hachupa, all my aveiros would be forgiven, and I would be a new person. And of course, the new me would never engage in "these stuff" ever again. You see, my problem wasn't access to "inappropriate stuff"; it was an addiction inside of me. I wanted, no, NEEDED “these stuff" any form of sexual excitement just to deal with life. So if I didn't have easy access to porn, then back to chatlines it was. Of course, masturbation, sexual fantasy, and looking around whenever I could get a glimpse of something sexually stimulating all filled the role for that. And let's be honest, I found ways here and there to watch porn.
By now, the guilt, the shame, the self-loathing-I was convinced I was a horrible, dirty person. I knew I was doing terrible aveiros, lying to my wife. I thought that I was an honest person, but I was LIVING a lie—a huge, gnawing, suffocating lie to my wife, to myself, to my chavrusos, to the people in shul. On the outside, I was this frum, ehrlich person striving to grow in yiddishkeit, but here I was engaging in all of these behaviors. It's hard to describe it, but if you have lived there or are living there now, you might know exactly what I'm talking about. It was all too much for me.
Through a Guard Your Eyes partner program, I got in touch with someone who was in a 12-step program for sex addiction called Sexaholics Anonymous, and for the first time in my life, I told someone my full story of all of my sexual misbehavior and acting out using my real name (only my first name). I wasn't using code words for my behaviors. I wasn't hiding behind a fake screen name. I had an honest conversation, human to human. He listened to what I had to say and assured me that I wasn't the only one in this situation, but I wasn't sure that this was for me. First of all, I had never had sexual intercourse with another human being. I never went to an inappropriate establishment. "All I had done" was watch porn, masturbate, call chatlines, fantasize, stare, etc. Secondly, I had read all these stories about addicts hitting rock bottom. Well, I wasn't ready. I was married with a kid. I had bought a house, hadn't been discovered, etc. This person who I was speaking with was incredibly patient and listened to me for a couple of weeks, maybe some months, grappling with these questions, debating whether this was for me. Of course, during this time, I was trying my hardest to stop, but I couldn't successfully stay stopped for more than a day or two. I remember that on Chanuka, I managed to make it to six days, and that was a record for me at this point. Finally, after a long time and a journey towards honesty with myself, which included recognizing and accepting that this was an ongoing problem from the age of 14 for 15 years, not just some slips and falls, admitting that I might just be an addict, that I wasn't gonna stop, like I said, every time after I had finished masturbating, that I WAS going to this again and again, and I was probably going to start engaging in riskier behaviors sooner or later. Late one night, I looked up and I said, I'm done. I'm done figuring out if I'm a sex addict, done figuring out if I'm ready. I'm just going to SA (the name of the 12-step program for sexual addiction).
A few days later, one early winter morning, I went to my first meeting. I met a group of normal-looking people who had all gone through a similar story as me but were now at various stages of getting help, staying clean, and sober for significant lengths of time. There were no outsiders in that room-no therapists, no askanim-just the select members of this club forged by bonds of a common problem and a common solution. I was welcomed and made as comfortable as possible. I kept going to these meetings and developed close connections to people who really understood me, people who know what it means to get "that urge" or "that idea" and know deep inside that sooner or later, I would act on it and so many more things. People made themselves available at all times of the day and night by phone. I got a sponsor, someone to be my personal guide to show me how he worked the 12 steps and how they helped him. It was hard work, it was exhausting. I learned that my problem wasn't the yetzer hara, access, temptation; the problem was me, more precisely, me and life. I didn't know how to live life without getting so tightly wound like a spring, which the only thing that would relieve that was my favorite drug, "lust-erotic excitement." I learned that even a little bit can set me on a downward spiral, that I can't afford to consciously engage in lust at all. That wasn't easy, to say the least. I had to give up my only coping mechanism that I ever knew, but I also learned that I only need to do this one day at a time, and so much more.
I am now sober-clean from porn, masturbation, chatlines, etc.-for six and a half years. I am decently free from that constant obsession with sexuality. I have a real connection to Hashem, to my wife, to my kids. I can face life successfully. I am an active member of my community. I recently started a job that puts me in a position to be helpful to people. But just like the externals weren't the motivation for me joining SA, my true growth, I think, is better measured not by externals but by my internal world. I am decently comfortable in my skin. I accept myself and think that I'm a good, imperfect person. I am another beautiful child of Hashem in His wonderful world, no less and no more than anyone else. I have friends and connections. I actually want to be helpful and useful to people. Every day I get a tremendous satisfaction by giving back and helping and welcoming people who walk through the door to SA. I am less selfish, happier, calmer, and I would like to think more pleasant to live with. I am human. I have my challenges, my weaknesses, my harder periods and easier periods, my ups and downs. I've got a long way to go, but I've come a very long way, and for that, I am super grateful to Hashem for guiding me to the place that helped get my life on track.
I hope you gained something from reading my story. If you relate to it, then don't be afraid. Reach out for help. You are not alone. There are people who are so happy to help you, and it helps them. You just have to make that first phone call, go to that first meeting. May Hashem bentch all of us with much hatzlacha, each on our personal journey.
Yanky
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