My path to drug addiction took a different form for many years. My first drug of choice, and my longest addiction that’s been with me for life was actually people. My codependency robbed me from life. My entire worth and value was in how I thought people perceived me. My Self was nonexistent. I did not like the Self I was. It was a dark and scary place. Feelings of being unlovable, unworthy, bad, undeserving etc. always controlled my day-to-day life.
Fast forward approximately 20 years from my early childhood, I got divorced. My whole life the little bitty glimpses of hope died, yet once again.
I felt misplaced and even more unlovable than I’ve ever felt. That’s the first time I picked up a drug. Although I thought it would be harmless at the time, that one joint of marijuana led me down a dark, isolated and dangerous road. From “it’s just weed” to methamphetamine took only but 3 years.
My time struggling with addiction was the worst I’ve ever felt in my entire life. Depression crippled me. Anxiety and panic followed me around wherever and whenever. I remember wanting to end it all so many times.
It was one morning, late in December 2022 that I’d had enough. Enough of the slavery of addiction, enough legal issues, enough misery.
I was desperate. Desperate for change.
I made just one phone call and was in treatment 4 days later.
I went through detox, residential, PHP, IOP and sober living. I was in south Florida for 8 months.
At first I did not like it. I felt imprisoned. I wanted out.
It was very quickly that I realized that left to my own discretion, I’d be out on the streets using again. My own self got me into this situation, I needed others to help me out.
I worked the steps with my sponsor. Hit five meetings a week. And committed to service wherever I can.
Back at home in New Jersey, I continue to do the hard work. Step works, meetings and service.
I put my sobriety before anything. Because whatever I do before my sobriety I will lose.
I now live with hope, excitement and contempt.
Not every day is rainbows and butterflies. But I like myself, I respect myself and look forward to another day, every day.
Avrumie
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