A story of finding God in a church basement on the holiest night of the year.
As I sit here getting ready for the holiday season to embrace us, im brought back to the early days, the days when I was just getting together a day of sobriety or rather an hour of sobriety at a time.
I got sober hopefully for the last time October 27th 2014, so I sit here today getting ready to embrace a decade of sobriety in about a month. To think of the life that I have been able to live in these last almost 10 years is definitely pretty wild, the phrase “A life beyond my wildest imagination” takes on a new meaning every year.
It was the early days, it was Yom Kippur of 2013, and I was getting ready to attend the Kol Nidre services at the synagogue that I attended as a kid with my family. I remember the feeling walking into the synagogue that night, it was a Friday night that year, the pureness of the white tablecloths, the white bima cover and the stillness and purity of the sanctity of the day enveloped me.
I struggled with religion for many years, trying to connect the elements of religion, God and spirituality, while at the same time my heart always being pulled by those god strings. So there was something precious about that day, about the meaning of the day, especially being in a program of recovery where the concept of Inventory, amends, “accounting of the soul” wasn’t foreign to me. The opportunity to review my life and year was something I looked forward to albeit without the religious aspect.
And so, I walked into the Synagogue that night ready for a heart stirring rendition of Kol Nidre, the one that I remember hearing as a child, the one that is sweet and pure and genuine, the one that gives me chills as I sit here reminiscing. But when I sat down and listened to the leader start the Kol Nidre, a wave of fear and panic swept over me. The realness of the moment terrified me, the rawness of barely being sober emotionally or otherwise blasted through me.
But I was trained, I had been trained in Alcoholics Anonymous what to do when I wasn’t right, what to do when fear kicks in. I knew where I had to go, I knew that there was a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous starting in a just a few minutes about a 10-minute walk from the synagogue, and so off I went. It was Yom Kippur night, and I was going to a church basement to find God while everyone else was sitting in Synagogues around the town talking to the SAME god.
What I learned that day and many times since that day, is that God shows up in my life wherever, however and whenever he wants. God has continued to play that role in my life regardless of my faith, religious leaning, or religious practices. He just asks that I be the same kind and loving to my fellows. I quote my friend Yisrael who says, “The God you don’t believe in, I don’t believe in either”.
And so here I sit, no longer practicing a religious way of life, yet reflecting on the beauty of a life clearly given to me by God, a life that I could never have imagined possible. Because on my own will it would not have been possible, with His help though anything is possible.
So if you are sitting here on the fence, the holidays pulling you in diferent directions, your heart not sure where to turn, just remember one thing: Today don’t pick up, Today be the person you were meant to be. Everything will be ok. Let God work through you wherever, whenever, however.
God is Good.
A grateful soul.
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