One Sunday morning I received a phone call that changed my and my family’s lives forever.
On the other end of the phone line was a good friend. His initial question regarding our oldest son brought me to my knees crying uncontrollably. Once I recomposed myself, I asked the gentleman to continue his call. Although it was clear from the tone and style of his voice, that he was investigating not being accusatory, I nevertheless had to restrain myself from being mean and defensive. After answering his questions, we cordially said goodbye and ended the call…. My mind became a whirlwind of thoughts, questions, denials, disbeliefs, self-doubts, accusations, irrationalness, and then numbness.
This phone call became our family’s “defining moment” for the unforeseeable future. How would we, parents, wife, child, siblings, in-laws, and grandparents continue our relationships with an addict? Our family reached out to an array of goodhearted and helpful people. Yet in retrospect, I consider us as pioneers in the frum world of addicts. In other words, at the time there were no frum addiction programs and such topics were taboo. We were on our own.
The massive scope of things we had to contend with requires not just an assay but several volumes. Some of the issues were, family time and support, retaining a relationship with our daughter-in-law and granddaughter, developing new and rebuilding existing relationships, friends’ comments and unsolicited advice, cold shoulders, well-meaning but inappropriate comments, the loss of friends, and other such matters.
Each family member had his or her own methods of resolution. May it be discussions, reckoning, forgiving, prayer, and a variety of other items needing resolution. Personally, I view life as a self-improvement classroom. Anything and I mean anything that is introduced to me, is subject to intense analysis and to the best of my abilities acquisition of these ideas into myself. A brief example of my thought presses, what is an addict, where is addiction found in the Torah, is it an illness, hereditary or contagious, could I have been a better dad, should I love or hate addicts, how do handle similar tendencies in myself, and so on.
As usual I utilized an assortment of resources to answer these uncertainties. Books opened the box for me. Doctors, professionals, and past addicts now mentors gave good insight. Recovery groups empowered me to openly acknowledge “I have a son struggling with an addiction”. Rabbis were my source of blessings. Biblical and religious books provided me with a textual basis for these subjects. Sharing, requesting, and talking with God fabricated within myself a productive and positive philosophy for life.
Until today, sobeit now, with a more relaxed approach I search for answers to unanswered questions and continuously come across new responses for those I’ve already resolved. Some of these self-imposed challenges are, what is my self-value, did my personality or lack of promote such behavior, did I in some way contribute to the addiction, feeling sorrow for not knowing my son’s agony, and others too painful to list.
Oddly enough, I was comforted by learning from not only my own insights but from every one of my beloved family. Each person in their own way caringly and respectfully shouldered personal and general pressures. One of our many challenging awakenings was learning and implementing “empowerment”. The meaning of this newly found term required of us to “hand the reins over to our loved one”.
Empowering, meant something different, had various effects and invoked diverse challenges for each of us. As his father it was an unexplainable heartache. I defined myself by being involved with all my children’s milestones. Such as their first time on an elevator, finishing homework, making a successful class get together, working through a growing experience on so many more.
Suddenly, for me, stepping out was my way of stepping in, and for my son stepping in was his way of stepping out. In other words, my responsibility was to remove myself and love him, whereas my son’s responsibility was to leave me out and focus on finding love for himself. I was to be an available bystander, whereas my son was to put himself front and center. For both of us the initial execution seemed unattainable. However, over time witnessing the chasms he crossed, the depths he went to with such a plausible desire to discover and transform himself, my heart did and continues to swell without end. Also, I would be ungrateful, remiss, and simply put, unloving not to express the paramount amount of admiration I have for our daughter-in-law. She truly was and remains our son’s “helper corresponding to him”.
Thank God, years later I believe our family should be very proud of ourselves for how each of us arose to "our defining moment”. Thank God our son and daughter-in-law are happily married with beautiful children and have a wonderful communicative relationship that I’m proud (jealous, wink wink) of. I am so proud of what they overcame and who they have become.
Proud Father
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