I grew up in a small out-of-town community. My parents opened up their home for people looking to learn more about Judaism. As a result of the kind of home my parents fostered, I felt that I was lacking and never got enough love, attention, or support. I always felt very different than everyone else around me, especially in school, where I would travel every day to a typical Bais Yaakov-style school. I struggled in almost every aspect of it - religion, God, and authority were my worst nightmares. In 6th grade, I began to struggle socially. I wasn't accepted as the "out-of-town girl" and I wasn't doing well with my schoolwork, thus my unmanageability began. In 8th grade, after having met the "cool" kids, I began to be defiant. I later got met with an ultimatum to shape up or leave, so I dropped out of school right after Purim.
I never wanted to have anything to do with such a system that I felt rejected from and hated. So, I silently vowed to myself that I'll never feel this way again. That summer, I spent my days escaping my pain through numbing out with boys and drugs. I went away to camp and discovered I had repressed sexual abuse memories resurfacing from childhood. That November, I joined a high school in Brooklyn for 9th grade, specializing in teens at risk. That is where my addiction picked up at full speed. Thankfully, a drug counselor suggested I get some help and I went to California for treatment.
I came home after Pesach time and joined an IOP. I got into therapy and went on to a local school for teens at risk for 10th-12th grade. I was the goody-good girl who went to rehab and got clean and now is all set to go on her journey back to being frum. However, I never felt deeply connected. I always felt a hollow shell of a person walking with motions, not feeling any of the actions. I felt that I had to be a certain way to fit in with the societal norms of my community. I went on to seminary in Israel and then Covid hit. We all went home and that's when I relapsed, and I relapsed hard. I told myself all the excuses in the world to try to make numbing my God-shaped hole okay. I ended up using for a couple of months and landed in the hospital for having a psychotic episode. It was all the using that had led me to that, and when I got out, I still wanted more. For the first time, when I went to a meeting and heard "one too many and a thousand never enough," it really resonated with me that I was an addict, and nothing can change that.
I began to attend 12-step meetings consistently and started to be open about where I was holding religiously. Nowadays, I work a spiritual program and have a relationship with my higher power, but I don't consider myself religious. Thankfully, my friends and family accepted me with open arms. All they wanted to do was see me clean and healthy. Today, I am proud to say I am an active member of society. I work a program of Narcotics Anonymous, deal with my issues head on instead of using over them, call my sponsor, speak with other women in recovery, work a job, I'm starting a business, and so much more! It's all possible because I chose myself over the drugs. I knew that if I kept using at that rate, I wouldn't be able to be alive today to tell my story. So if you ask me what changed it all, it was taking it one day at a time, every day, no matter what, not picking up because if I don't pick up, I can't get high and mess up my life. Doing the inner work is what really changed it all.
B.L.
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