As I make preparations for the upcoming holiday, I can’t help but think back on passed years of this beautiful holiday (and some years not so beautiful). To give you a short backstory, I am a working man in my low 30’s. I was the typical “yeshiva bachur” my whole life. Went to really good yeshivas, always kept my studies up, and my Rabbi’s happy. The fact that I have been drinking every night since mid-Eleventh grade just to “keep things interesting and not so monotonous” I thought was more or less normal.
I got married to a good girl, from a wonderful family, who went to top schools. Everything was more or less going well for us, until it wasn’t anymore. I left Yeshiva to go out into the world and make a living about a year and a half after we were married, and that’s when everything changed. As soon as the going got a bit tough, and I had responsibilities, bills to pay, the free ride was over. My drinking took on a whole new meaning. I became a miserable and angry drunk any time I took those few extra shots that put me over the edge. It went from that, to weed real fast. Before I knew it I was a pothead of the biggest proportion. Smoking morning till night, 16 hours a day with no breaks. This brought on anxiety, fear, depression, etc. which led me to more serious drug use.
I kept up appearances as the happily married successful young man, but I was dying inside. I specifically remember one Shavous, I stayed up all night “learning”. Which really meant I had walked into the shul with a friend, opened up a Sefer, and immediately left to my friends backyard to smoke all night. I fancied myself a spiritual man, I prayed to God every day, but it was a conditional faith. As long as I was high, I could believe in God and pray to him, and uphold all of his laws. As long as it didn’t get in the way of my using. I prayed, but I prayed selfishly for selfish things. I had everything a man could hope for, a wonderful wife, 3 beautiful children, a home, a job. And yet I was miserable.
To make a really long story short, the holidays were always a time for ME. For ME to enjoy and relax, for ME to get high, and drink, and anything else to make ME feel good. I have always loved my family, but using always came first. I was never truly present for my kids, how could I be? It came to a point that I was so miserable and disgusted with myself, I could not look in the mirror. The drugs and alcohol wasn’t doing what it used to do for me. I was only left with loneliness, anxiety, depression, and pain.
Well, that was all a few years back, before I found recovery, before I found true prayer and faith. With the help of some amazing people, I attended my first local AA meeting which was on zoom due to covid, there were a few people in the meeting, but it was all I needed. I finally saw some like minded people that really understood me, and my struggles. That was a few years ago, and although I have had a few bumps in the past four years, I can honestly say that I’m happy with who I am. And I feel right with God.
The holidays are no longer ME time. The holidays are a beautiful luxury, I get to disconnect from work, and spend real, honest, uninterrupted time with the people who matter most in my life. My family, and my higher power. And especially on this holiday of Shavuot, that we spend time learning the holy Torah that God gave us, that we celebrate the revelation that millions witnessed and passed down that revelation from father to son, I get to be of service to my friends and family. I get to be a true man of faith with no conditions, I get to honor my higher power by passing this singular most important message to my kids. That we are part of something special. That we are links in a chain going back to the day our forefathers stood at that holy mountain and declared that we are going to be people of faith.
I truly live a blessed life now, a life of happiness, faith, serenity, love, and joy. God gave me this second chance at life, and I will do my best not to squander it, but to try and be a better man, husband, father, brother, and son. To my entire family. And most importantly to my higher power.
I used to think that freedom was doing whatever I wanted. I now understand that freedom is to be free of the shackles of desire, of selfishness, and of instant gratification. And by the grace of God, and the help of recovery, I choose true freedom every day, by just trying to do what I believe to be right in the eyes of my higher power, and by doing the next right thing in front of me.
Chag sameach to all!
Signed
Truely Free
תגובות