My name is ***, I always joke around and say I am 26 with 55 year’s experience but the truth is I fought long and hard to get to where I am today. I grow up in a large family, dads a rabbi mom a babysitter does that qualify me yet? Trauma isn’t something I was familiar with as I thought this stuff happened to everyone. At a young age I started working and went of the derech thinking I just couldn’t sit and learn.
I always felt different and out of place no matter where or who I was with. I look back and say I didn’t think much about myself or but I was all I thought about. What do they think of me, no one likes me, I am weird, not worth living or being happy, if I die my family would be happy I’ll stop embarrassing them etc.… until that moment when my friends came to that age of bar mitzva where I started taking a shot or two by the kiddish. I hated the taste but loved the feeling of being part of the chevra I finally fit in, I was of the boys drinking Crown Royal and Jim Bean.
I discovered early on I didn’t want to kill that guy in the mirror when I drank or smoked weed and I found that crew I was so desperately craving to feel accepted and part of unfortunately it didn’t stay at one shot or a couple I always needed more… the disease of more, never enough. I know today one is too many and a million is not enough. Trauma I wasn’t lacking in, I always joke pick one; you want to talk about the sexual, physical, verbal, emotional trauma I got all for the price of one!! My life, my happiness, my self.
I was married at a young age and my ex-wife and me turned straight to weed to cope with life thinking IT’S JUST WEED it can’t harm us!! We were proscribed Xanax and Klonopin‘s so we are not drug addicts we just smoke weed. But God has his way, therapy psychologist and a whole lot of outside help left me hating myself more than ever. I didn’t believe I was lovable, I didn’t love my self and thought no one would, I remember crying at nights holding my gun crying because I didn’t have what it took to pull the trigger!! To put it in simple words “I didn’t want to die, but sure as hell didn’t want to live” I used to pray that god wouldn’t wake me up in the morning. Crying myself to sleep every night and looking in the mirror and just crying, asking myself what happened to that happy kid running around joy free leaving the house when the sun came out only returning home for a quick drink or snack or when it got dark outside.
Drugs and alcohol was who I was at this point in my life I was a ticking time bomb waiting to die praying that the day would come sooner than later. My addiction stole my identity and people seeing me messed up and depressed was the new me and I hated it to the point that killing my self was on my mind all day and night.
I kept seeing this add on Kol Haolam for this thing called Kall Shea, a place for addicts to call that wasn’t Therapists or rabbis answering. I decided to save the number as it said was answered by other addicts, people who understand what it means to have your childhood stole from you. I called once before and never did anything about it, spoke to the guy who answered and called it a day.
It was right before New Years 2021 I was done, I couldn’t live this life I had the “stuff” I needed to end it painlessly and went out crying, knowing that I had given up the fight. What was I fighting I asked? It wasn’t my life I was living I was stuck in a body that was controlled by drugs and alcohol I couldn’t stop I tried so many times been to rehab and many 12 step recovery meetings. I was driving around for a long time that night crying and realizing that it was the right thing to die knowing I didn’t want to. I used to love life and wanted to again, I didn’t believe it was possible. I called Kall Shea with one intention that night to say good bye to my family and pass on a message to my mother that it’s not her fault she tried her best, kids don’t come with manuals and definitely not problem children!
The phone was answered by a man, I don’t remember all of the conversation, but two things stood out to me.
1. You don’t have to be in this pain anymore.
2. Get through the 12 steps then kill yourself.
A lot more happened on that conversation I don’t think is relevant but he asked me if I am willing to do anything and everything to help myself. The answer was yes and with one phone call to Kall Shea I had a bed in a rehab within 24 hours, and was there a short time later.
For me doing anything included getting divorced and walking away from my life to start over..
Today I am living a life beyond my wildest dreams. I own a company, it’s small and just started but my bills are paid. I am a volunteer fire fighter (a dream of mine since 18 could never pass a drug test to get in) I am debt free, and I give back.
But more then this I can say I am happy!! Genuinely happy, and love life today I have so much to live for and I am a giver not a taker I answer the phone to people struggling I even made Kall Shea a Grandfather, with the help of them sent someone to rehab. I am asked to speak at meetings, and I would love to say I am killing it living my best life when I look in the mirror I smile and love that guy smiling back at me.
To all those struggling not every day is easy and there are many days I cry and want to give up but today I know there is hope and “this too shall pass” is true and “One day at a time” works
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